Diary of a baby

(Yeah, this is totes inspired by Diary of a Wombat. Great book)

7am

I’m awake! Wait, what? Why am I awake? I’m hungry. My bum is wet. What’s that noise? It goes binlingly-blinblingliyliy. No-one has come to rescue me from my sleeping prison, I should also make noise. Hello! Hello!

Oh, I can hear mummy, she sounds like this: “your alarm woke him up again, goddammit”. Better make more noise so she knows I’m awake. Mummy! Milk now! Also my bum is wet!

Oh hi mummy, oh hi, oh hi, thanks for rescuing me, yes please I’d love some milk oh yum yum yum yum sleepy again now so sleepy….

Wait where am I? My bum is free! Hallelujah. Oh, nope, she’s wrapping it up again. Dry though. That’s something at least. Time for play? Wait, you’re putting me back in my sleeping prison. No, I want to play.

Hello?

Play time?

Yawn.

I might just have a little rest.

8.30am

I’m awake! I’m STARVING! MUMMY!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!

Oh, what a relief, yes, milk, oh thanks so much.

I HAVE A BURP IN MY BELLY.

Buuuuuuurrrrrrp.

Where are we going? Colours! Things I can hit. Flail! Flail! Noises! Right above my head. A thing! I wonder if I can grab it? I can!

I’m bored. Mummy, I’m bored!

I’m bored.

Where are you?

Hi!!!!!! Play with me. Oh you’re so funny mummy oh I love it when you tickle my chin, this is great!

Yawn.

I’m not tired.

Sleeping prison again? Always with the sleeping prison.

Fine.

But I’m hungry!!

I just realised!

Thanks mummy, yes please, more milk and I’ll go straight to sleep.

12.15pm

I appear to be awake. Um, mummy? I’m awake. It’s not urgent. No, it IS urgent. Rescue me! Help! I’m trapped here!

Milk! My favourite!

Ok, fine, you can change my nappy, that was over quickly but wait, what? Why did you put me on the floor on my tummy? I don’t like being on my tummy. I really don’t. Hey! I said I don’t like this!

Hmmm, bouncy chair, well that is an improvement but why are you taking to the hard shiny thing? Mummy? I’m down here. Pay attention to me. Pay attention to me. Hi! Oh I love it when you smile at me. Let’s chat.

Hold on, sorry to interrupt our chat, but things are happening with my bowels. Gotta concentrate.

OK. Another nappy change, I can cope with that but then more milk, deal?

Yummmmm.

Might have another snooze now, actually.

3.45pm

Last thing I remember, I was eating, now I’m back in the sleeping prison and I’m hungry. I seem to have blanked out. This happens disturbingly often.

More milk! More playing with mummy! Time without my nappy!

I’m knackered.

I’d rather cuddle up on mummy than go into the sleeping prison though. I feel safe. I feel cosy.

7.30pm

Hate to bother you mummy, but I’d quite like a snack. Oh, we’re going to feed on the soft island where you and daddy sleep? OK. Mind if I rest here after my snack? So comfy. So comfy. I still want more food though! Don’t take it away! I can eat and sleep at the same time, it’s easy.

8.30pm

Noises. DADDY!!!!!!!!!!

Mummy sounds grumpy. She says “if you’re going to be home late, you need to tell me sooner.”

Daddy hasn’t said hi to me yet. He is talking to mummy instead.

Mummy says “I know I should wake him earlier from his nap or he won’t sleep til ten or eleven, but if you’re home late he’ll be all disrupted anyway.”

I’M SO EXCITED MY DADDY IS HERE.

We’re going to play!

Where am I going? Why are you taking off my clothes? Oh, splashy splosh time. Flail! Splish. All done already? OK. I like it when you rub me with the dry cloth. Don’t forget my leg creases!

ARGH SLEEVES! I HATE SLEEVES. Why would you do that to me?!?!

I just, I really need milk now. Those sleeves were an ordeal.

Yum yum yum.

THERE IS A BURP TRAPPED IN ME!

IT HURTS!

I’M NOT COMFY!!

IT’S STILL THERE!

YOU ARE WOEFULLY INCOMPETENT AT ALLEVIATING MY DISCOMFORT.

burp.

Also, my gums are sore.

EVERYTHING IS SHITE.

NO, I DON’T WANT MORE MILK.

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT PUTTING ME IN THE SLEEPING PRISON.

Let’s play. I’ll laugh at you, and then you laugh at me. That’s our game.

I’m not sleepy.

I’m not sleepy.

I don’t want more milk.

I’m not sleepy.

I don’t want more milk.

Wait, I do want more milk.

Sleeeeeeeepyyyyyy

But now you’re changing my nappy, not sleepy anymore!

Let’s play again!

I’m not sleepy.

Don’t you dare put me in the sleeping prison.

I’m not sleepy.

I don’t want more milk.

I’m not sleepy.

I don’t want more milk.

Wait, I do want more milk.

Sleeeeeeeepyyyyyy.

I’ve got a burp though, you don’t mind holding me upright til it comes out while I snooze, do you mummy?

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