Here’s a list with each item altered to suit people who had a kid before turning 30:
1) pots that your child uses to make more noise than you thought possible.
2) a dinner table covered in random junk including duplo and unopened mail.
3) furniture with dubious sticky marmite stains
4) a drawing stuck to the fridge with a magnet
5) a plant that looks like it needs watering
6) see 5
7) a million small plastic spoons but where the hell is his favourite spoon?!
8) Wine glasses that you keep out of reach because they are breakable. It’s ok to drink wine from the a mug and avoid making extra dishes to wash.
9) a complete lack of any system for keeping order in the chaos
10) a copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar
11) an obscenely expensive baby sleeping bag
12) a cat? You got that before the baby arrived and fortunately he seems indestructible
13) a very big power bill
14) duplo in the bed
15) an assortment of kitchen items you don’t have time to use anymore
16) a bazillion stuffed toys
17) no solutions for removing stains from child’s clothing and little will to bother
18) alphabet fridge magnets
19) every surface covered in clutter, no idea where keys are, maybe in pocket of yesterday’s jacket?
20) plastic toys everywhere
21) see 15
22) a child
23) tiny baby clothes-hangers that you never intended to keep yet somehow still have
24) see 15
25) tubs just the right size for toddler snacks
26) see 15
27) some parenting books which definitely contain conflicting advice
28) a tool kit somewhere out of reach of toddler, which you last used to assemble the cot
29) see 15
30) see 22