Things you should have in your home after the age of 30 | Home & Property |


Here’s a list with each item altered to suit people who had a kid before turning 30:

1) pots that your child uses to make more noise than you thought possible.

2) a dinner table covered in random junk including duplo and unopened mail.

3) furniture with dubious sticky marmite stains

4) a drawing stuck to the fridge with a magnet

5) a plant that looks like it needs watering

6) see 5

7) a million small plastic spoons but where the hell is his favourite spoon?!

8) Wine glasses that you keep out of reach because they are breakable. It’s ok to drink wine from the a mug and avoid making extra dishes to wash.

9) a complete lack of any system for keeping order in the chaos

10) a copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar

11) an obscenely expensive baby sleeping bag

12) a cat? You got that before the baby arrived and fortunately he seems indestructible

13) a very big power bill

14) duplo in the bed

15) an assortment of kitchen items you don’t have time to use anymore

16) a bazillion stuffed toys

17) no solutions for removing stains from child’s clothing and little will to bother

18) alphabet fridge magnets

19) every surface covered in clutter, no idea where keys are, maybe in pocket of yesterday’s jacket?

20) plastic toys everywhere

21) see 15

22) a child

23) tiny baby clothes-hangers that you never intended to keep yet somehow still have

24) see 15

25) tubs just the right size for toddler snacks

26) see 15

27) some parenting books which definitely contain conflicting advice

28) a tool kit somewhere out of reach of toddler, which you last used to assemble the cot

29) see 15

30) see 22

Things you should have in your home after the age of 30 | Home & Property |


Yes man

A few months ago the little dude started responding to yes/no questions. Around the same time, we began using questions that we knew would elicit a “das” (yes) as a way of distracting him from a grump. “Hey, should we have a banana?”, that sort of thing.

Yesterday I realised that he has learnt to associate that tone of voice with doing something he likes.

I can ask him a question he can’t possibly comprehend in that tone and he will reliably and emphatically say “das”.

Sleep training in 15 easy steps

1) Struggle through.
2) Assume things will get better by themselves eventually.
3) Become so sleep deprived it impairs functioning in all areas.
4) Vaguely wonder whether you could be doing things better.
5) Research on the internet.
6) Become daunted at bewildering array of conflicting advice.
7) Continue clinging to hope of spontaneous improvement.
8) Become a shell of a person with little to no perspective on anything.
9) Buy a book about baby sleeping and follow it to the letter, desperately needing to believe it will work.
10) Notice some improvement. Become elated!
11) Improvement not as significant as hoped. Become resigned to many more months impaired sleep.
12) Child becomes sick or next teeth start coming through. Child starts waking a million times in the night and refusing to go back to sleep and is also fighting going to sleep at bedtime.
13) Force child to consume pain relief medication
14) Become convinced that pain relief medication is a scam.
15) Struggle through.