Parental Inquiry into the Presence of Witches

The Parental Commission of Inquiry, consisting of Mummy and Daddy, has prepared the following report on the matter of “Whether a Witch will come to Our House”.

We have concluded that no witches are coming to our house, for the following reasons:

  1. Witches are not real. Witches only exist in stories. Witches are just pretend. There are no real witches.
  2. Witches cannot get out of story books. They can’t escape from videos either. There is no chance of witches becoming real.
  3. Even if witches used to be real one day a long long time ago, they are no longer real.
  4. Even if witches were real, they would not want to come to our house because they live far far far away and it’s too far for them to get here. Where? Um, they live on the moon. Yes, witches live on the moon. Yes, with Rona. Ok maybe Rona is a witch. Or not. That seems like a culturally appropriative suggestion, I take that back. Rona is not a witch.
  5. Ok, well even if witches were real and wanted to come here, they couldn’t, because… because… because we have a lamp outside our front door that is a special no witch lamp and it keeps the witches away.
  6. An acting member of the Commission, Nana, has presented an additional item for inclusion in this report. Some witches are nice! You don’t need to be scared of all witches. There is a great story about a witch named Hermione and Mummy can read it when you are bigger, and Hermione is a friendly witch! She does nice magic! Look Mummy can show you a picture of Hermione on her phone. But even Hermione is not real. Oh dear, the messages are getting a bit mixed now aren’t they? Mainly witches are not real. You don’t need to be scared of Hermione just because she is on Mummy’s phone.
  7. And Daddy is giving you a witch stick that the witches don’t like and it keeps them away and as long as you are holding that stick witches won’t come. The Commission has a split opinion on the matter of the stick. A dissenting view is recorded by Mummy, who considers that the magical properties of the stick are perhaps inferior to the magical properties of an alternative item yet to be located which is more easily portable and less liable to loss, breakage, and use as a weapon.
  8. Look Mummy found this ring in a treasure box in the cupboard, it’s from when Mummy was a little girl, and it’s a magic ring that means witches can’t come.
  9. Finally, we have prepared a witch repellent spray. We made a potion of witch hazel, eucalyptus oil, and water. If we spray this in your room it will keep all the witches away.
  10. To conclude, witches are not real, but even if they were, all precautionary measures have been taken.


Meanwhile, if I wanted to scare him stiff…

Once upon a time, there was a witch who lived in a story book. The book had a blue cover and lots of writing on the inside, but the witch who lived in the pictures was bored of the writing inside, and wanted to have her own adventures. Every time the little boy opened the story book she would look out at his face and wish she was friends with him. She thought it was so exciting that he wore different clothes every day, when she wore the same things all the time. Sometimes, he left the book open and she would watch him play. She wanted to get out and play peek-a-boo with the baby, or build a block tower, or jump on the couch. One night, when everyone was asleep, she had her chance. The book had been left open and was leaning against the shelf. If she just wriggled a little tiny bit, and stretched her arm, just a bit more, she could reach the edge and pull pull pull herself off the page. Puuulllllllll! There! She was OUT. Oh how exciting! To be free of the book! She could barely believe her luck! First, she tried running – and running was FANTASTIC, she ran all about the house. But she was very small, only the size of an apple, because that’s how big she was in the story book, and the cat soon started to chase her. So she flew up on her broomstick and sailed into the kitchen cupboard. She had seen the little boy eating chocolate and longed to try it. She took one piece and then another and another and another and soon all the chocolate was gone. Then she started on the peaches in the bowl on the table. She ate so many peaches that she was covered in sticky juice, but that didn’t matter, because she could turn the tap on and make a swimming pool in the kitchen sink. Oh how she splashed and swam! When it was almost morning time, she thought she would wait and say hello to the family. But then she started to feel a bit shy. What if they didn’t like her? What if they were scared of witches, and wanted her to go back into the story book? She really didn’t want to go back into the book, she was having too much fun. So instead of saying hello, she flew carefully up to the top of the linen cupboard and settled down for sleep. Then, when everyone had gone to work and creche, she flew out through the cat door to explore the garden. And so she came and went, whenever she pleased, and the little boy never saw her – but sometimes the mother wondered where all the chocolate went at night.



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