The internal monologue of the mum in Alfie gets in First

Today I locked us out of the house. I didn’t tell the little dude that’s what happened because I didn’t want to freak him out, so as far as he knows, we went to the local bar at 4.30pm for a bowl of hot chips for the hell of it and then just happened to find his dad at a park near the bus stop.

He’s been reading a lot of the Alfie books, and has repeatedly watched the youtube video of Alfie Gets in First, meaning I have too, and I feel like the mum has a whole lot going on in her head that readers can only guess at? Maybe something like this…

____

Ok, shopping is done, Annie Rose isn’t asleep but she’s pretty chilled out, probably go down ok when we get home.

Come on Alfie I know you’re tired but we’re almost there, how about you run and see if you can get there first? Off you go! 

Great, that got him going.

Yay Alfie almost there! Wait on the step when you get to our house darling! 

Ah, good lad, ok now we’re just going to bring all the things in. Yep ok you go in first uh huh.

ALFIE!

Fuck fuck fuck fucksticks fuckity fuck fuck he’s shut the bloody door fuck fuck my keys are in there with him fuck fuck shitty fucking shit.

Open the door, Alfie!

Try to reach the catch and turn it!

Can you put the key through the letter box?

Ok, stay calm, um, he can’t reach but he knows how to climb up on his chair and maybe he could drag it, I’ll tell him to do that –

Oh fucking shit here comes that bloody interfering Mrs MacNally, can’t help but poke her nose in whenever she smells drama. Just what I need.

Hi Mrs MacNally, yes, Alfie’s locked in, I think it’s ok, he just needs to get his chair to reach the latch. 

Ugh, she just has to join in doesn’t she? NOT HELPFUL. She’s just confusing him, wish she’d just piss off and leave me to it. Poor boy is crying and her talking through the letter box isn’t going to help, but oh no, can’t say anything can I, because what, I’m obsessed with being polite, ugh I want to tell her to fuck off. And Annie Rose is crying and she’s overtired ARRRHHHHH.

Now here comes Maureen, well at least she’s sensible, what would be useful is if Maureen maybe took Annie Rose for a walk in the pushchair, but can’t suggest that either because Mrs MacNally doesn’t think Maureen is old enough to babysit. Or climb a drainpipe apparently, despite that being a very good suggestion.

And now here’s the milkman, bloody hell, a right bloody party now isn’t it. What do they think they’re going to achieve! PISS OFF THE LOT OF YOU SO I CAN TALK CALMLY TO ALFIE THROUGH THE DOOR.

I don’t think you really need to break the lock, thanks for the offer, but I think if everyone is just quiet for a little bit so that Alfie can hear me talking to him-

Maureen’s found a guy with a ladder, ok, well I suppose that’s better than breaking the lock.

ALFIE! You opened the door! Well done sweetheart! 

Oh and now everyone is coming in? Um… yes of course they are. Why wouldn’t they? It’s not as if my kids are tired and frazzled and stressed or anything. Fuck them all, and now I suppose I have to say thanks for helping EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER WITHOUT THEM, and make a cup of tea for everyone. Bloody hell sometimes I wish I just didn’t give a fuck what people thought. Poor Annie Rose, she is wretchedly tired, but time is marching on and maybe I should skip the afternoon nap and put her to sleep early tonight instead? Hard to say. Going to be a shitter of an evening either way. Oh thank heaven, they are finally getting up to go.

Wave goodbye, Annie Rose! Ok Alfie, are you going to shut the door? Let’s go and watch tv until Daddy gets home. You can have a tub of yoghurt and some crisps for dinner. 

 

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