I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

[I’ve been clearing my drafts folder and I found this from a month ago and it’s kinda terrible but I also love it, especially the ending, and my list of feeling like the day was a success because though the children were a constant source of ego-depletion I didn’t snap at them]

When I was 15, I really really liked this song and now it seems kinds embarrassing.

I remember feeling low, I remember losing hope, I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped… One day, you ‘ll have to let it go, one day you’ll stand up on your own. 

(I thought the lead singer was absolutely gorgeous.)

(Shuddup, I was 15.)

I was thinking about that refrain today, and the intensity of the first year of parenting, and how we’re coming out the other side now. Looking back on the blogs about the little dude’s first year is a bit like looking back on being 15 – a totally different me, a slightly embarrassing me. I remember all those feelings. And the day they stopped.

It’s an awkward process of learning first hand what lots of parents before me already know, and recording it along the way. It’s all clear in these posts how much of a learning curve the first few years involve. Things that seemed insightful to me when I wrote them now seem trite. I don’t want to delete those old posts, as a body of writing it’s more honest with the inclusion of blogs I now wish were just phonecalls to friends, or unpublished drafts. But maybe if I read them in 10 years I’ll come full circle, they’ll seem interesting again, I’ll be far enough away.

Today was a home with the kids day. It was fine, except that the little dude sits on bub whenever bub is proximate and on all fours, which is a helluva lot of times every day, and ARGHHHHHH STOP IT. But it was an ok day. There were several moments – several! – when I felt like I had a small win in my own reaction despite challenging circumstances. When I didn’t snap at the little dude for accidentally falling off the couch onto bub. When playgroup was the same time as bub’s nap so I decided to walk so he could fall asleep in the buggy, and I managed to coax D into walking the whole way. On the way back, when I picked my moment for bribery when we were close enough to home that the bribe would sustain him the rest of the walk, but before he was in meltdown mode. (Aside – my mother in law sent us a box of 16 kinder surprises and I have been giving them out as emergency mood enhancers every couple of weeks, we’re now down to the last one. He thinks a chocolate chicken lays them while we’re out. He starts hunting and I go into the cupboard, get an egg out, and hide it while he’s hunting, he then “finds it by himself”, jumps with excitement, and is content for quite a while with chocolate and toy). When D didn’t want to eat his lunch but I ate my lunch and let him sit on my knee to feed B – probably spoiled his appetite with the kinder surprise and million crackers at playgroup. Later, when we had an altercation between the children – D sat on B, B pulled D’s hair, D bit B’s finger, B screamed blue murder – and I calmed B down, explained to D about gentle rules etc. When B woke from his afternoon nap early, and D came in while I was trying to resettle him, but I didn’t stress about it, just gave up resettling and we went to the supermarket. When D didn’t want to go into the trolley seat, he wanted to walk, but then he threw a carton of milk on the floor and it split, then he bolted for the exit, then later when he was in the trolley seat B bit him and he went ballistic, so I let him choose a pack of plasters for his finger and open it in the trolley. When D was demanding treats for dinner and saying he didn’t want the proper food I’d made, and I was feeling over it so decided to put a video on for him, then slipped the plate of proper food in front of him and let him eat like an automaton but at least it was nutritious content. When my husband got home and we didn’t snap at each other. When at 9pm I got up and did an hour of chores. And now, at 10.40pm, when I stop writing this blog and go to bed.




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